On July 31, 2019, BBC World Service aired a radio segment on dating as a transgender person. Specifically, they asked three transgender women, including myself, to share with them “how and when transgender people should reveal their identity to the person they are dating.” They aired about one minute of the response I submitted to them, along with responses from the other two women. You can listen to the audio embedded below, archived from BBC’s website:
While it was exciting to be consulted on the topic by the BBC, I was disappointed that they did not include any of my statement where I discussed discrimination, stigma, and violence that transgender women regularly face. In particular, I discussed the “transgender panic defense,” an insidious concept that excuses violence against transgender people on the grounds that transgender people are inherently deceptive and not the gender they identify as. I feel that BBC World Service leaving these items out of my statement really was a disservice to the international transgender community. So, in this blog post, I will explore the topics I recorded in my statement in depth. The audio of my original, unedited statement is included at the bottom of this piece.
For more context, the BBC World Service piece was a response to an article in the Daily Mail Online Australia about a twenty-year-old man from Sydney named Alex who had been dating a transgender woman for nine months. The article quoted an interview with Alex on Australia’s Kyle & Jackie O show. It told the story of how Alex had immediately left his girlfriend after he found out through a friend that she was transgender. When he confronted her, she told him this was the truth. Alex then describes feeling “angry” at how she had “deceived” him. Alex, when asked if he was upset because it also made him “feel gay,” answered yes, and admitted to not fully seeing her as a woman. His interviewers prodded him on whether he left her because he felt she was deceitful or because she was transgender, and he answered “both.” But when asked if he would still have left her if she had told him at the start of the relationship, he answered yes.
The title of the Daily Mail Online article asked “so is he in the wrong?” and explored Alex’s perspective only. This framing of the story followed dangerous tropes far too often used by the media when reporting on transgender people’s lives. I am thankful BBC World Service took the initiative to explore the story from the perspective of transgender women, and asked me my perspective. However, a crucial part of my statement they did not air was this: “I want to point out first, she was not born male, she was born a woman, she is a woman, and she identifies as a woman. Secondly, the question, ‘is he in the wrong,’ is ethically dangerous and immoral because it reinforces the idea that transgender people are less than human, that they’re not really women, and the idea that somehow there’s something justifiable about him saying that he’s disgusted by her, that he still would have left her if she had told him right away, because to him, she’s a “man.”
The question ‘is he in the wrong?’ is ethically dangerous and immoral because it reinforces the idea that transgender people are less than human
Violence Against Transgender Women
The framing of the Daily Mail Online article is especially dangerous because it reinforced the idea that transgender people deserve mistreatment, they deserve discrimination, and they deserve violence. Too many transgender women face violence and murder by intimate partners who claim they were “disgusted,” “ashamed,” or felt “deceived” because their partner was a transgender woman. The most recent International Transgender Day of Remembrance, held on November 20, 2018, memorialized the 369 transgender people in 72 countries who were reported murdered in the previous year—and many more murders that went unreported. Many of these murders were by partners/lovers.
In the United States, the most recent Anti-Violence Project report on LGBTQ and HIV-Affected Intimate Partner Violence analyzed 2,144 accounts of intimate partner violence and 825 accounts of hate violence reported in 2017 by survivors. Anti-transgender bias was reported in 33% of the intimate partner violence cases, and they also found that 12% of hate crimes were committed by current or former lovers/partners.
The Transgender Panic Defense
To make matters worse, the press and the legal system often minimize murders of transgender people by using a concept known as the “transgender panic defense.” This concept been used by defendants in court on trial for murder transgender people countless times to attempt to build sympathy with a judge/jury.
The transgender panic defense was made famous in 2002 in the trial of four men who murdered Gwen Araujo, a seventeen-year-old transgender woman. One of her murderers had previously been intimate with her. As I said in my statement to BBC World News: “the defendants pleaded guilty, but [claimed] they were not in their right senses, because she ‘deceived’ them that she was [not] transgender, and because of this, they got off on lighter sentences, saying that they were mentally distraught, not in their full senses, because she was ‘wrong.’” Years of activism to eliminate the transgender panic defense has only recently seen progress in the courts; as of now 8 states in the US have banned the transgender panic defense. New York banned the transgender panic defense in June 2019, during the 50th Anniversary of the Stonewall Uprising in New York City—which was led by transgender women who regularly faced violence.
In the situation of Alex and his girlfriend, Alex did not commit physical violence. However, Alex described his reaction to finding out his partner was transgender in almost the exact same way as those accused of murdering their transgender partners invoke the “transgender panic defense.” He describes becoming distraught, panicked, and angry, and uses dehumanizing language to describe his former partner. He also implies in the interview that finding out she was transgender threatened his masculinity and his heterosexuality.
Alex’s entire reaction, and the fact that it was considered newsworthy, is a symptom of transphobia and homophobia. If transgender women were treated with the full humanity and dignity they deserved, and their identity was taken at face value—a woman who identifies as a woman is a woman—then this man would not feel afraid of being considered gay. And on a related note, if our society fully accepted LGBTQ people, no one would be afraid of being gay.
What is so different about being transgender?
Transgender people have unique—and valuable—perspectives because of their experiences. Otherwise, being transgender is simply a medical condition that may or may not require medical treatment (i.e. hormones and/or surgeries) based on a transgender person’s individual needs. To illuminate this argument, I proposed in my response to BBC World a comparison between two medical scenarios:
The transgender woman in question “at age 18 transitioned medically to female. Now, at age 25, she has [good] health. There are no medical implications other than the fact that she has to take hormones, but there’s no long-term complications known for taking hormones. She also can’t bear a child, but that’s something a couple can come to terms with. They can adopt [and] there are other options. So the hypothetical question I want to pose is, what is the difference between this situation, and a man dating a cancer survivor [who] is now sterile, perhaps through a hysterectomy, and she doesn’t tell him for nine months. Then he finds out from a friend. She can no longer bear a child, but she is otherwise healthy. Would we have sympathy for the woman? Would we say that he was wrong? Absolutely. So why is there a difference here?”
I want to acknowledge, there are of course differences in the two situations, and I’m not implying that being transgender is a disease. However, it is a medical condition that affects someone’s health, and their relationships. The point I am trying to make though, is that when there are no pressing medical issues at the time, why is being a cancer survivor treated with far more sympathy in our society than being a woman who overcame the adversity of years of transgender discrimination? Surviving cancer means not just battling the cancer itself, but battling intense amounts of emotional distress, including depression, trauma, and shame. This is not dissimilar to the mental health issues transgender people face, and can overcome with proper medical care. Don’t both struggles deserve dignity and respect?
To elaborate further, what if on every first date, a cisgender person was expected to share their entire medical history dating back to when they were born? What if a heterosexual person had to explain on every first date when they first found out they were attracted to the opposite sex, and how? Would either of those situations not feel dehumanizing? Would we judge someone who chose to wait to get to know their partner gradually rather than spill their entire life story the day they meet?
The Sex Question and Consent
Now, there is the issue of physical differences between someone born a transgender woman vs someone born a cisgender woman—including genitals. As Danni, one of the other transgender women interviewed in the BBC World Service piece stated: “I am fully a woman who deserves love just as anyone else, and that love shouldn’t be conditional on something I don’t control, namely that I was born with bits that don’t match my brain. After all, I’d rather someone be drawn to my brain than my bits and pieces, the reality is obviously something different though, and I think education will help this in time.”
I’d rather someone be drawn to my brain than my bits and pieces
Danni, transgender woman interviewed by BBC World Service
I couldn’t agree more with Danni’s point. The more transgender people are able to tell their authentic stories to the public about their lives, the less society will focus on our anatomy, and instead focus on how we are human beings. But the anatomy question remains in really only one situation—sex. Regardless of what surgeries a transgender person may or may not have had, our sexual anatomy will always have properties unique from that of a cisgender person.
Navigating sex is a difficult situation for anyone. I wish it were simply the norm for people not to assume what sexual acts someone might enjoy, and what sexual parts they may or may not have. Instead, these things should always be discussed before engaging in sex, whether you are cisgender or transgender. Also, on a related note, discussing testing status for sexual transmitted diseases should also be the norm. These types of conversations help sexual partners establish clear consent, enjoy sex more, and practice safer sex. Society should treat conversations like this as normal!
If sexual partners always discussed these topics before engaging in sexual acts, then the question of when does a transgender person tell their partner about their genitals would not be one-sided. But the way the media frames the question of “when should a transgender person disclose their status” puts the onus on the transgender person to always be the one responsible for discussing sex first.
My Experience with Dating And Disclosure
How, and when I disclose that I am transgender to a potential partner is highly situational for me. I don’t believe there is one right or wrong answer, or one-size-fits-all way to do it. I also identify as bisexual, and I find it is easier to navigate disclosure with someone who identifies as LGBTQ, than it is to navigate disclosure with a cisgender, heterosexual man. There is the difference between navigating disclosure on a dating app, versus someone I may have met in person and doesn’t have access to a profile describing who I am. Finally, there are unique cultural contexts based on where I am residing at the time.
I am currently in Thailand, where there is far less stigma against being a transgender woman, and far less stigma against dating someone who is a transgender woman. Navigating disclosure is easier here, where there is both widespread cultural awareness of the experiences of transgender people, and even widespread appreciation of transgender beauty, exemplified by the popularity of the Miss Tiffany’s Universe transgender beauty pageant and Tiffany’s Show cabaret. I have very little issue here being up front with a partner about being transgender. I feel generally very safe, and I have a large transgender community around me who’ll support me and to remind me of my value as a human being. I also have to admit, I often get a bit of a thrill hanging out with my transgender friends at one of Thailand’s many so-called “ladyboy” bars, where I can observe cisgender people completely open and unashamed about their attraction to transgender women.
However, very few countries are like Thailand (and even Thailand is far from perfect in how transgender people are treated). While living in the United States, I had to navigate a culture where many people do feel ashamed, or at least emotionally uneasy about what being attracted to a transgender woman might mean to them, especially if they are a cisgender man. In that situation, I often feel disclosure is better handled as a gradual process of both people getting to know each other, and understanding how each other communicate and what their values are. I often discuss transgender issues very early on, and this can help me know if and how I should handle disclosure—sometimes it tells me, nope, this won’t work, before I put myself at risk of subjecting myself to anger and possible violence.
Widespread discrimination against transgender people is insidious; not only do partners devalue us, we often devalue ourselves, not thinking we are worthy of love and relationships. We wear it like a badge of shame. That can also make us navigate disclosure poorly, treating being transgender like something we have to apologize for with a sordid life story. We don’t give ourselves the opportunity to get to know someone as an equal before allowing them to judge our worthiness as a human being.
It’s a form of discrimination, the idea that we have to always be the one immediately disclosing our past, as if being transgender is somehow a more important matter than anything else about us or our partner. But in a cultural context where anti-transgender violence and the “transgender panic defense” are widespread, sometimes being up front (even before you meet someone) about being transgender is important, if for nothing else than our own safety. Understanding different cultural contexts for transgender people is actually one reason I am traveling the world right now; to ask transgender people about their experiences, including dating.
The one part of my statement that BBC World Service did air was about dating, and my travels around the world. I described what I’d consider a favorable scenario in a place where there is not widespread cultural awareness of transgender people:
“As far as when I come out, I don’t generally come out right away as transgender, because there are other things about me that I feel are more important that I want people to get to know first. I want them to get to know me as a writer, as someone who is an athlete. I played roller derby, and I am training some Muay Thai.”
I am traveling the world, and I have stories to tell. So often how I come out, is I get to know someone, and then I say, hey, can you check out my blog? And in my blog I talk about my experiences being transgender. And I say, let’s talk about my blog next time we meet. That’s a way for someone to come to terms with it on their own, to give them a space to think it through. And if they come and talk to me again, and they say, oh ok, this is new information, and I am ok with it. Or they say, this is new information, so I can’t be with you. I can then know where to go from there.”
If you wish to now listen to my full statement now that I have explained more context, you can do so below:
A vision for transgender liberation
It is difficult for anyone to navigate relationships and dating, especially if they are from a marginalized population like transgender people. While the other two women interviewed by BBC World View had different perspectives on disclosure than me, I am not going to tell anyone how they should navigate dating. For me to judge other transgender people for their decisions is a disservice to the community, when ultimately the goal should be working together, despite any differences, to build a society that is more accepting of transgender people.
My dream is that one day, transgender women will not be seen as less deserving of respect than cisgender women. A future where transgender people are not subjected to violence and discrimination simply because of who they are. And a future where the love for a transgender woman will not be seen as less valid than the love for a cisgender woman. In that future, someone telling a lover they are transgender will be far easier. No longer would being transgender be seen as something one must apologize for and justify. Instead, it would be seen as a valuable perspective and source of understanding and insight. Our experiences overcoming adversity as a transgender person have the potential to strengthen a relationship no matter what challenges committed partners might face. It’s time for transgender people to be treated with the full dignity, respect, and love we deserve.
Thanks for reading the TransWorldView blog. If you enjoyed this post, please consider becoming a supporter of the blog on the Trans World View Patreon page. By supporting us on Patreon for as little as $1 a month, you’ll get access to exclusive bonus content and the ability to contribute your own ideas to the blog. Thank you!
Leave a Reply